


I Want To Be

by uhpockuhlipz



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, everyone is in it technically but clarke and lexa are the only prominent characters, it's complete fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 05:48:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9109288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uhpockuhlipz/pseuds/uhpockuhlipz
Summary: childhood friends AU. Five times Clarke and Lexa kiss on New Year's Day.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I said I was gonna proofread this, but I didn't, so any and all failures are mine. This is pure holiday fluff, kiddos, enjoy. Happy New Year to all of you and I hope your 2017 is better than 2016. xo

The first time Clarke meets Lexa, she is seven years old and in a lot of trouble.

 

She's at the New Year's Day party of a boy in her grade. He'd been forced to invite the whole class, including all the girls, which also included a reluctant Clarke. She hadn't wanted to go, but her mother had claimed it would be good for her so here she is.

 

And where had it landed her? A seat in the corner of the kitchen while her classmates played in the basement play room, a call to her mother, and a sore hand from where she'd decked Finn Collins in the face.

 

He'd deserved it, Clarke thinks sourly. He'd cornered her in the downstairs bathroom and, with a crowd of laughing seven-year-olds around them, had tried to kiss her. Even when Clarke told him very firmly she didn't want a kiss, he'd still tried. So Clarke had hit him and bloodied his nose. He'd cried and the moms had taken her away to the kitchen to call her mother.

 

If one more person tells her “ _boys act like that when they like you”_ or “ _that's just how boys are_ ” then she might deck them too.

 

She's still brooding when the back door slides open and another girl steps inside, quickly sliding it shut again. She isn't from Clarke’s class even though she looks like she's probably the same age and she wonders what she's doing here, even as she watches her peer through the door like she isn't supposed to be. She's smudge-faced and her dark hair is a tangled mess, but Clarke doesn't care about all that. She looks like she's having as much fun as Clarke is though and that's the part Clarke decides she likes.

 

“What are you doing?” she asks, though she'd only just resolved to ignore everyone in the house only minutes before. The girl looks back at her, startled, and frowns when she spots Clarke.

 

She can’t seem to decide if she wants to tell Clarke the answer and instead only stares, eyes narrowed, hands curled into fists at her sides. Clarke stares back, defiant, chin tilted up. And maybe her cheeks are still damp from crying, but she only cried because she’d been angry. She won’t let this girl scare her.

 

“Why are you in here?” And it’s annoying to answer a question with another question, Clarke thinks, frowning. But she supposes if she was somewhere she wasn’t supposed to be and found out someone else was there first, she’d want to make sure they weren’t a snitch or whatever. So she excuses this girl’s suspicious look with a shrug.

 

“I punched Finn Collins in his stupid face.” Clarke says it proudly, chin jerking up a little further, as if daring the other girl to defend him. After all, Finn is the most popular boy in their grade and everyone seems to love him. Everyone _else_ certainly stuck up for him with the moms.

 

(And Clarke is maybe still a little mad about that because maybe Finn Collins is the most popular _boy,_ but Clarke is the natural _leader._ Her mom says so.)

 

(And okay, maybe some people don’t like her because her mom is the very strict school nurse who doesn’t let kids get away with faking sick, and maybe some say she’s pretty bossy, but Clarke has _friends_ so she doesn’t understand why she’s the one in trouble.)

 

(Finn Collins is a buttface.)

 

The girl across from Clarke doesn’t jump to Finn’s defense like the others though. Instead her small frown turns slowly into a smile and Clarke blinks because suddenly she is the prettiest girl Clarke has ever seen and she wants very much to be included in whatever she is doing. She looks around and slides from the chair she’s been banished to, tiptoeing closer until she’s right beside the girl she doesn’t know but now really wants to.

 

“You’re the one who made Finn’s nose bleed?” she asks Clarke, and there’s a little bit of awe in her voice that makes Clarke’s chest puff out.

 

“Yup, sure did.”

 

“He’s trying to tell everyone he didn’t cry, but he did. Aunt Louisa had to give him extra ice cream to make him stop.”

 

Clarke grins, satisfied with that knowledge, and nods her thinks to the girl at her side. Then she realizes fully what she said and her eyes go wide with realization. “You’re Lincoln’s cousin!” she says, pointing at Lexa. “He said you were coming to his party!”

  


“Yeah. I mean, sort of.” She shrugs thin shoulders, peering through the door again. “We aren’t really related, but his mom is my foster mom’s sister, so.”

 

Clarke frowns. “What’s a fostered mom?”

 

“Foster mom.” The girl looks back at her, and Clarke thinks her eyes are a little sad. They make her look older than Clarke’s age even though they’re the same height and they’re even missing the same tooth so they’ve gotta be around the same age. “Because I don’t have parents, I live with someone else called a foster mom, instead of my real mom. Her name is Indra.”

 

“Oh.” Clarke wonders, but she doesn’t ask what happened to her parents. It seems rude. Her daddy would probably know what to say without being rude, but Clarke doesn’t, not yet, so instead she asks, “What’s _your_ name?”

 

The girl blinks, as if she hadn’t realized they hadn’t exchanged names yet. Her eyes are green. Not green like the trees behind Clarke’s house, but green like... Like the ocean at the beach in Rhode Island her family visited last summer. Greens mixed with blues. They’re pretty. She’s pretty, Clarke thinks with a smile.

 

“Lexa.”

 

“I’m Clarke. You never told me what you’re doing in here, Lexa.”

 

Lexa goes on to explain that she’s hiding from her cousin and his friends and her foster sister bec

ause they are playing a game. Lexa claims to be the best hider, and Clarke can see why. She’s watchful, even while talking to Clarke, and her voice is soft. Clarke is sure she’d have a hard time hearing her if she wasn’t right next to her.

 

She listens and nods and her belly feels like there are butterflies inside the entire time. Lexa is probably the prettiest girl she’s ever seen and the only thing that Clarke can think about is how in the movies, the princes always kiss the princesses that they think are pretty and her mom says it’s because they’re in love and Clarke thinks, hey, maybe I’m in love like them.

 

Except Clarke is no prince and Lexa looks more like a warrior than a princess, and Clarke hadn’t liked it when Finn kissed her so why would Lexa like it if she did it?

 

So of course the only solution is to ask quite plainly, “Can I kiss you?”

 

Lexa freezes and looks at her, obviously confused. “What?”

 

“You don’t have to say yes. But I think you’re pretty and smart and I wanna be friends if that’s okay. If you want to, I mean.”

 

Lexa grows redder with every word, the color creeping up the back of her neck and burning bright in her ears. But she doesn’t look away from Clarke and suddenly she’s nodding, turning away from the door to face Clarke fully. “Yeah, okay,” she breathes, and Clarke smiles.

 

“Okay,” Clarke says, and she leans in and kisses Lexa’s cheek with a giggle.

 

Not long after that, Lexa’s foster mother moves into the house across the street from her sister’s and Lexa transfers to Clarke’s school.

 

They become inseparable.

 

//

 

Parties had at thirteen are very different from parties had at five or seven or even twelve, though it’s only a been a year since the last one and Lexa doesn’t understand the change.

 

For one thing, it’s a sleepover, both boys and girls invited to stay at the Blake household to see in the new year. Their mom is still home, of course, and a few other parents volunteer to stay and supervise, but all of the kids are left to their own devices in their huge finished basement. There are board games and cards and a huge TV and their PlayStation doesn’t turn off all night. There’s a table full of junk food and more soda than Lexa has ever seen in her life and no one here has ever so much as tasted alcohol, but they all act drunk and stupid anyway.

 

Lexa hates it.

 

She hates the noise and the smell of teenage bodies. She hates the way the kids from her class are trying so hard to impress the kids from Bellamy Blake’s class, who are a couple of years older and act like they rule the party. She hates how crowded it is and how people are dancing together awkwardly, not quite used to the length of their limbs after summer growth spurts, but that they think they look sexy. She hates the way the sounds from the PlayStation compete with the blasting music, hates the way the floor vibrates from the pulse of the bass, hates that her skin feels sticky with sweat and that her stomach hurts and that there’s a headache pressing behind her eyes. She hates that everyone looks like they’re having fun when she just wants to go home.

 

And she hates the way that she _knows_ Finn Collins has a big, fat, stupid crush on Clarke.

 

(And how Clarke maybe also has a crush on him.)

 

It isn’t the Clarke of it, of course. Clarke can date whoever she wants and she can flirt with whoever she wants and she can _like_ whoever she wants and it isn’t like Lexa _cares_ because it isn’t about Clarke. It’s about Finn and his stupid face and his stupid hair.

 

She hangs out with Clarke because Clarke is her best friend, which means she hangs out with Octavia and Raven too because they’re Clarke’s other friends. But she can feel the eyes on them and every once in awhile she glances to where Finn plays video games with the older boys that hang around with Bellamy, catching him staring with that dopey smirk on his face. She tries to give him her best glare without Clarke noticing, but it’s hard, so she settles for frowning into her water bottle and looking away instead.

 

Around eleven, the party is starting to drag a little as people get tired and start to crash from their sugar highs. Octavia suggests they liven up the party and they end up sitting in a huge circle to play some party games Lexa has never heard of.

 

The first is called never have I ever. Bellamy Blake explains the rules, smirking in his older-kid superiority. The statements start off pretty stupid – stuff like “never have I ever copied someone’s homework” has more than half of them dropping a finger – but then it gets to the fifteen-year-olds.

 

“Never have I ever had a crush on Clarke Griffin,” one of them says, and he’s looking at Finn with a smirk as the circle _oohs,_ but Finn is grinning apologetically as he looks right at Clarke and lowers a finger. A couple of other boys laugh and nudge each other, thirteen and flushed as they drop their fingers.

 

Beside her, Clarke is blushing, but she’s smiling too, and Lexa sees her watching Finn from beneath her lashes.

 

Lexa frowns and her fingers twitch. She drops her hand and grabs her water bottle from beside her, gulping it down her suddenly dry throat. No one seems to notice.

 

When she lifts her hands again, she pretends that she forgot how many she’d already put down.

 

(But she knows, she _knows_ she’s lowered an extra one, even if she won’t admit it to herself.)

 

They move onto spin the bottle when the older boys predictably lose (win?) the first game. “You have to kiss whoever it lands on,” Octavia declares, her eyes glinting. “Boy or girl, doesn’t matter. Don’t be a pussy.” There are groans and laughter, but everyone agrees and the game begins. Lexa feels her stomach clutch uncomfortably as she thinks over Octavia’s words again.

 

(Boy or girl.)

 

Lexa’s never kissed anyone before, but she finds herself looking sideways at Clarke, her belly twisting just a bit more until she looks away. That doesn’t help because she sees Finn across from them, smiling at Clarke. She gulps down more water and hopes her stomach will stop hurting.

 

The bottle starts its spin and kisses are exchanged between giggling teenagers. Some are no more than pecks and some linger until people are squirming uncomfortably. At one point Octavia drags Lincoln’s lips to her and kisses him with such fervor that her brother finally tells them to knock it off, expression unamused. (Octavia flips him off, but lets a flushed Lincoln go with a wink, which actually makes Lexa smile a little.)

 

By the time Clarke gets a turn, she’s already kissed a couple of people in the circle, including Monroe and Miller and Zeke. Finn’s turn had landed on Raven, so Lexa thinks maybe that won’t happen. No one has landed on Lexa and she’s grateful. She doesn’t want to kiss anyone, and besides, her stomach is aching.

 

(Okay, maybe she wants to kiss someone, but…)

 

Clarke spins and the bottle twirls and twirls and finally comes to a stop.

 

It lands on Lexa.

 

There are _oohs_ throughout the circle, as there have been for every same sex pairing that’s been spun, but Lexa barely hears them. The blood is rushing in her ears and she is staring at the bottle, then at Clarke as her grinning best friend moves into her line of vision. “Can I kiss you, Lexa?” she asks, too softly for anyone to hear, and it reminds her of the first time they met.

 

Lexa tries to nod, but her stomach chooses that moment to clutch rather painfully and instead of nodding, Lexa goes pale and jumps up to run to the bathroom. Someone calls for her not to wimp out on the game, but someone else – Raven, she thinks – tells them to “shut the fuck up, something’s obviously wrong” and the game moves on as she slams the door behind her.

 

Barely a second later and Clarke opens the door and slips inside before closing it again, settling down next to Lexa where she dry heaves over the toilet. She doesn’t say anything, just rubs Lexa’s back for long minutes.

 

“My stomach hurts,” Lexa whimpers, leaning against the wall when the heaving stops. “I’m sorry, Clarke, it wasn’t because of-- I would have played, I swear, I just--”

 

“Shh.” Clarke scoots to her side and wraps around Lexa, holding her around her waist so she can press her palm into her belly. The gentle pressure relieves some of the ache and Lexa sighs with relief, head dropping tiredly onto Clarke’s shoulder. “You haven’t had your period yet, right?” she asks softly and Lexa hesitates before shaking her head. It’s a milestone she seems to be far behind on. “Okay. Why don’t you try to pee and see if maybe…?”

 

Clarke leaves her alone while she checks and sure enough, her best friend guessed the problem the first time. Clarke grabs a pad from her bag, as well as Lexa’s sleepover bag so she can change into clean underwear and her pajama bottoms. She then snags a chocolate bar and some ginger ale and locks herself back in the bathroom with Lexa again, pressing her hand into her belly while the cramps make her feel sick.

 

Lexa apologizes again and again for ruining Clarke’s good time, but Clarke insists that she hasn’t and, “It’s _okay,_ Lex. You’re okay,” but Lexa feels terrible anyway.

 

When the clock strikes midnight, they’re in Clarke’s mom’s car on their way back to Clarke’s house. Clarke presses her lips to Lexa’s forehead and whispers, “Happy New Year, Lex,” and she doesn’t sound mad at all.

 

It makes Lexa feel a little better.

 

//

 

It's her senior year of high school, her last New Year's party with people she's known practically her whole life. She's enjoying herself because she enjoys this, enjoys (most of) them, and actually has someone to kiss at midnight.

 

Not Finn Collins. That ship had long since sailed, ending in a disastrous blow-up wherein he'd tried to make out with Clarke while still dating Raven in sophomore year. It had even come between their friendship for a while before Raven had finally accepted that the fault was Finn’s and now both girls blew him off consistently.

 

No, this year Clarke is going to be kissing Nathan Miller. A cute and sweet boy, an attentive boyfriend, and as bisexual as Clarke is herself.  It's what led to them meeting and bonding in the first place, thanks to the GSA at Polis High.

 

She likes him. Maybe he isn't destined to be the love of her life, but she likes him and likes kissing him and is fairly certain he feels the same.

 

But mostly Clarke sticks close to Lexa because she knows her best friend doesn't like these parties and that she goes only because Clarke does. She knows the Lexa won't kiss anyone at midnight because Lexa has told her before that she doesn't want to kiss anyone.

 

“ _I am focused on my studies, Clarke.”_

 

It's not for a lack of trying on the part of pretty much every boy in their class. Lexa is beautiful. Clarke would pretty much place money on her being the most beautiful girl in their entire school, in fact. But Lexa isn't interested and so Clarke makes sure to tell off any guy who gets too pushy  if her best friend isn't interested, then none of the idiotic boys they've known forever are going to change her mind.

 

She's still sitting by Lexa, leaning into her side as they chat with Raven and Octavia, when someone announces it's a minute until the ball drops and Nathan appears at her side. He grins at her and she smiles right back, absently stroking a hand down Lexa’s braided hair before letting him tug her to her feet.

 

He says something she can't hear well over the noise, but he's grinning so Clarke laughs anyway and taps her ear to show him she didn't hear. He shrugs and slips an arm around her waist.

 

“Clarke.”  

 

A hand falls on her arm and Clarke turns to a frowning Raven, who's looking towards the sliding doors that lead out into the back yard. Clarke follows her line of sight just in time to see Lexa disappear through them. “She seemed upset,” Raven says, looking back to Clarke.

 

“Thirty seconds!” someone yells, and Clarke is frowning, torn, her eyes flicking from Raven to Nathan to the door.

 

“Sorry,” she says to Nathan before turning and heading out after Lexa. She doesn't see Raven and Octavia exchange sly smiles. Her focus is already entirely somewhere else.

 

Lexa is on the back porch, arms wrapped around herself, eyes on the sky. It's a clear night, but cold. The air smells like snow, but there are no clouds yet. Her breath comes in visible puffs and Raven is right. She looks upset. Sad and distant. Clarke reaches out without thinking, her hand pressing gently between Lexa’s shoulder blades.

 

“Lexa?” she murmurs, and when her friend turns to her, those ocean eyes of hers are endless. Clarke feels her breath hitch in her chest, feels her heart speed up, just a bit. It's always been that way around Lexa. She wonders if it'll ever stop. “What's wrong?”

 

Inside, the music is turned down and the countdown starts.

 

_Ten!_

 

_Nine!_

 

Lexa looks towards the noise and then back to her. “Aren't you supposed to be kissing someone, Clarke?”

 

_Six!_

 

_Five!_

 

“I'm supposed to be here for my best friend when she needs me,” Clarke corrects firmly. Something flashes across Lexa’s expression, some emotion Clarke can't comprehend. When she steps closer, her shaking hands lifting to frame Clarke’s face, Clarke’s eyes go wide.

 

She doesn't move away.

 

_Two!_

 

_One!_

 

Lexa's head dips down and she's suddenly close, so close, and Clarke knows it's wrong because she has a boyfriend, but Lexa's never done this and Clarke’s entire _soul_ feels like it's pulsing and--

 

Those lips, soft and warm and full, press to the corner of Clarke’s. They linger, perhaps longer than a friend’s strictly should, and then Lexa is stepping backwards away from her and Clarke is left frozen where she stands.

 

“Happy New Year, Clarke,” she murmurs, and then she's turning and jogging down the porch steps, disappearing into the dark.

 

//

 

They're in college now, but somehow the universe still brings their high school class together for the new year. Well, the universe and the familiar Blake household. Maybe it's because they're still young enough to want that connection, especially when everyone is back home on break. They're only freshmen, after all. Not even a full year out of high school. There are a handful of new people, but for the most part, it's the same old crowd.

 

Clarke goes, so Lexa goes. They're still best friends and it's tradition. Lexa never quite learned to enjoy it, but she's used to it and it means an evening spent with her friends so she doesn't fight it. Being apart for college has been hard on them both.

 

There's alcohol where there wasn't in high school and it's both amusing and annoying to see their classmates in various states of drunkenness around them. They all think they're suddenly very grown up, but Lexa thinks they mostly look foolish.

 

Even Clarke is silly with it, but Lexa regards her only with complete affection, smiling when Clarke jokes and tips into her side. “You're drunk,” she says amicably, an arm slipping around her waist.

 

“And you're pretty,” Clarke replies like it's a particularly clever comeback, nuzzling into the curve of her neck. Lexa's heart races, but she only gives Clarke a gentle squeeze and eases her away again, hoping she couldn't feel her pulse beating fast where her lips had pressed.

 

They play those same party games from when they were thirteen for nostalgia’s sake, though the statements for never have I ever are bolder and the kisses for spin the bottle are longer and harder and more knowledgeable.

 

Clarke and Lexa and a handful of others don't play. Most who don't cite significant others as the reason. Clarke claims to be “ _too old and too drunk for this bullshit”_ and Lexa doesn't claim anything at all. Everyone knows she goes where Clarke goes. They know Clarke is the only reason she's even at this party.

 

Raven and Octavia shoot a rather dirty suggestion in their direction as they peel off from the crowd and Lexa feels her ears burn red, but Clarke either doesn't hear or is pretending she didn't.

 

They end up on the couch watching some boys play some shooting game. Clarke claims to be a little dizzy, so she stretches out with her head on Lexa's lap. Lexa strokes her fingers through blonde hair and thinks she might be a little dizzy as well.

 

Somehow when the countdown begins, Lexa finds herself outside again, hand in Clarke’s, eyes on her best friend’s face. “You wanted to kiss me last year,” Clarke claims abruptly, spinning to face Lexa. “You didn't because of Nathan.”

 

Lexa regards her quietly. “I didn't because of you. You'd have felt guilty.”

 

“But you wanted to.”

 

“Clarke.”  Lexa laughs a little and combs a hand through her hair, eyes slipping away from her friend to focus on the sky. She feels like twelve years of friendship are slipping precariously through her fingers, warring against seven years of her heart racing and her breath catching and her entire self _yearning_ whenever she's with Clarke. It's so much, it's everything, and it's slipping out of her grasp. She can’t hold it all anymore.

 

Inside, the countdown starts.

 

She lets go.

 

“I've always wanted to.”

 

As the cheers rise up, Lexa finds her back pressed into the side of the house, their bodies hidden in shadow. Clarke’s mouth is hot and desperate against hers and Lexa can't help the way everything in her lights up, reaching, reaching for Clarke and her warmth and her softness. She's never kissed anyone in her life, but she kisses Clarke, her hands lifting to curl into blonde hair.

 

She's dizzy. Clarke tastes like beer and chapstick and something that must just be Clarke and she never wants to stop this. She never wants to give it up. She's nineteen and she's been in love with this girl since she was seven and she'll be in love with her for the rest of her life.

 

“I’ve always wanted you,” Clarke whispers, and her teeth scrape across Lexa’s lip. Lexa’s entire body throbs and it’s a struggle to keep her brain functioning.

 

“You're drunk,” she whispers shakily in return. “Clarke, we… we can't. Not when you're--”

 

“We can just keep kissing for now,” Clarke says softly. “The rest we’ll figure out later.” Lexa nods eagerly. That much seems safe enough, reasonable enough.

 

They kiss until they're both breathless. They kiss until there's a loud wolf whistle behind them and they break apart to find Raven and Octavia grinning at them, clapping and cheering with calls of _finally!_

 

Lexa feels heat prickle at the back of her neck and burn in her ears, but Clarke is grinning and so Lexa smiles too, her fingers tucking blonde hair back behind Clarke’s ear before resting their foreheads together.

 

“Finally,” Clarke agrees softly, and Lexa doesn't even mind when she kisses her again, right there in front of their friends.

  
//

 

They are twenty-seven when Clarke pulls Lexa out of the New Year’s party they’re attending.

 

“I’m one hundred percent sober,” she tells Lexa, whose lips twitch with amusement as she nods her agreement.

 

“You seem to be, yes.”

 

“I’ve been drinking nothing but water and Powerade all night.”

 

“I noticed,” Lexa agrees, her tone teasing. “You aren’t pregnant, are you?”

 

Clarke laughs and shakes her head. “I think I would’ve kept you in the loop on that one,” she tells her girlfriend. She takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly. “I just wanted you to know I was sober this time.”

 

“Clarke.” Lexa’s fingers tug gently at her hips. “I think we’re far past the point where drunk or sober really matters. We’ve had plenty of drunk sex.”

 

“But I wanted to be sober for this.” Clarke grins as the countdown begins. Her hand slips into her pocket and pulls out a ring. It’s a simple twist of white gold, the center emerald flanked by smaller diamonds. Lexa gasps as Clarke drops to a knee and takes her hand.

 

“I think you’re pretty and smart,” she says, echoing words she’d said twenty years ago, a small smile tilting her lips when she sees the recognition flash in Lexa’s eyes. “And I want to be your wife _._ If you want to, I mean.”

 

The countdown is at _five_ when she murmurs, “Marry me, Lex.”

 

It’s at _three_ when Lexa manages to give her a trembling, “Yes.”

 

It’s at _one_ as Clarke slips the ring down her finger.

 

Everyone is cheering loudly for the new year when Clarke is pulled to her feet and kissed by her fiancee again and again, both of them smiling, their lips damp with Lexa’s tears.

  


“I love you,” Lexa breathes, her laugh tremulous as she holds out her hand and glances down at the ring. Clarke captures her fingers and tugs her hand up, pressing a kiss to Lexa’s palm. She can feel the warm metal of the band against her lips.

  


“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> You can always find me on tumblr at proudlyunicorn. (:


End file.
